i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
NoShamevember. You game?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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