Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
