i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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