I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
