i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Someone signed my nipple.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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