mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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