I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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