Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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