it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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