I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
