I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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