No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
