So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
