my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i have two assholes
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
