Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
