it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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