My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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