But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
