Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone signed my nipple.
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