i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
