i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
