how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
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All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying