The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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