I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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