Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
