Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
