It's like God shit irony all over that family
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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