yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
