apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
