YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
