she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
