i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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