See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
