Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
