I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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