i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
