I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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