it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
