My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
