forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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