I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
bring money and cleavage
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its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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