I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
