i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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