I just pynch a tree in the face
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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