I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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