Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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