i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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