Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I AM VODKA MAN
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
