I think my fart just growled at me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
