My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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