Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
