I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
