Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
