no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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