don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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